I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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