Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
