I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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