barbara walters just said penis...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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