I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
