Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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