Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
