i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
