So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
