The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
