You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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