apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
