Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
