my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
This toilet bowl is my home.
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