I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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