My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
