first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
