The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
