I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
