Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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