Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
