Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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