Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
