I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
