Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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