Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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