He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
