You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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