I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
