K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
