I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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