Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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