anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
