My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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