He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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