I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
this is an emotional support booty call
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
