I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
