I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
