He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
