What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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