I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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