Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
