my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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