carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
