Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
