She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Holy sore nipples Batman
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
