Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
