I'm pants shitting drunk right now
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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