i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
