Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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