I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
