so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
