if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
