I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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