she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
